Welcome to the first and possibly most profane or obscure running diary ever created about the Kansas City Royals. I’ve always wanted to do this, so here you go live from a Gladstone living room: Royals at Red Sox.
6:05 - Looks as though the lineup is back to normal tonight, with the exception of Esteban German, a notoriously awful fielder, playing left field. This could be trouble.
6:08 - Facing one of those control pitchers (usually kill us) tonight in Jon Lester. This feels like the game last year when the Royals were on a roll and I got excited about facing Kason Gabbard, who had never started a game. This excitement was misguided as Gabbard pitched a four-hit shutout. Let’s hope things go a bit better.
6:10 - Splittorff is trying to fit in w/ the sub-35 crowd by uttering the phrase: “Manny being Manny.” Not a good sign for tonight’s broadcast or the phrase in general. If Splitty is using it, it’s on the verge of no longer being socially acceptable.
6:11 - Lester quietly gets a 1-2-3 first.
6:15 - Joel Goldberg informs us that David Ortiz is a mammoth-sized man. Had this sentence been said in 2002, he may be onto something.
6:17 - Hochevar 1-2-3, 24 more for the perfect game.
6:19 - Commercial airs about a monkey that chases and bites kids. Very wholesome entertainment. E.J. believes society has reached a point where monkeys are no longer funny. I’m in line to agree.
6:20 - Conversation derails into a “Dunston Checks In” reference. Probably better stop.
6:21 - Manny makes routine catch in left. I do not believe Ramirez could play left in any other ballpark in the majors. This tiny area of real estate suits him fine.
6:23 - Olivo misses a curveball by two feet. Splitty recommends the Pedro Cerrano treatment for him. He’d probably be out of baseball if pitchers collectively decided to do this.
6:25 - Teahen’s home-run droughts are being discussed. Duraflame is fuming somewhere as Splitty says he has all the tools to return to his 2006 form. That form is gone.
6:27 - “Nice comment there, Ryan.” Wow.
6:28 - Does anyone you know find those Sonic commercials remotely funny? What focus groups are they seeking out, the CBS audience?
6:35 - Walks Lowell, perfect game is gone.
6:36 - Matchup of AL’s top 2 batting average leaders in Kevin Youkilis and Mark Grudzielanek. Had to type this while this statistic is valid.
6:38 - No-hitter still intact. 21 to go.
6:40 - Billy Butler has definitely assumed the role of funniest Royal to watch run. This role was made famous by 5’9, 240-pound Matt Stairs from 2004-06.
6:42 - Lefevbre hammers asian man in stands who took the time to call for the foul ball and dropped it. Man, Lefebvre hates foul-ball catchers. Perhaps he had a bad experience dropping one himself on a big stage or he may have killed someone w/ one of his own fouls. It’s surely one of those two.
6:47 - J.D. Drew ground ball to right. The no-hitter is over.
6:50 - Just re-enacted the whole “Wayne and Garth meet Alice Cooper” sequence. This game is not the most fan-friendly.
6:51 - Just as I say this, Drew advances to third on a wild German throw. Concern is starting to set in.
6:53 - 1-0 Sox, Royals concede DP for run. I really don’t like this strategy. Runs are valuable.
6:54 - As soon as I say this, Ellsbury triples into center. So, that may have been a good idea.
6:55 - 4-pitch walk to Pedroia. Ortiz up w/ 2 on. On the fear of opposing hitter scale, Ortiz ranks just behind Pujols and Joe Crede (absolutely mauls the Royals).
6:58 - Get a borderliner. 2-2, 2 out. Don’t do this to us, Luke!
7:00 - Not the time for stories, Splitty! 7:01 - Walked him. Shit on me. Loaded for Manny w/ a hitter’s strike zone.
7:02 - 20 Career Grand Slams. Are you kidding me?! Jeff: You can spin that statistic any way you want.
7:03 - 2-0 again. Looking very much like bad things are about to happen. E.J.: There is a possibility he won’t hit a grand slam.
7:05 - 3-2. Crowd roaring. Rookie likely overwhelmed, living room very nervous. Game and future of this diary depending on this pitch.
7:06 - Another foul. E.J. compares this to 24. Not valid. Jack Bauer doesn’t need to be inserted into any real-life situation. He can diffuse whatever he wants. OK, I’m off topic. Let’s Go!
7:07 - Another foul on the sinker. Just shoot me in the spleen!
7:08 - Ditto. 7:09 - Walks him in. 10 fantasy points. 2-0. Hochevar wild.
7:10 - Expletives! Grud and Pena fighting over ball on infield. Wind blows it away from Grudz, 2 more runs score. This is classic Royals. Dammit! Good teams simply don’t do this. What the hell is Pena doing five feet on the wrong side of the base? This one’s probably done.
7:12 5-run third. Youk doubles into bullpen. Possibly ending this diary 2 hours early. Easily the worst outing of Hoch’s career. Not a good tone-setter for this pivotal series.
7:13 - Top it off, we play the goddamn Sonic bastards again. How can 2 men in their 30s film those commercials. Just trying my already tested patience.
7:15 - After a 6-1 week, I’m starting to feel like Nic Cage in Honeymoon in Vegas about now.
7:16 - John Mayberry bobbleheads being advertised. Who collects these things over the age of 14? Who are the ad wizards who came up with this one?
7:24 - Ellsbury just steals second and third on consecutive pitches. Shoot me.
Yeah, so I quit on this running diary out of sheer anger and much to my horror, things only got worse. Jon Lester ended up pitching a no-hitter. A freaking no-hitter. Something that had not been done to KC since Nolan Ryan in 1973. I felt really bad rooting passionately for a cancer survivor to screw up the best day of his life, but any true fan would’ve done the same. If you wouldn’t have, you should not refer to yourself as a true fan.
But, as a human, it didn’t feel that great to be dropping expletives after Lester fanned DeJesus and Collaspo. Now I have to boycott the sports media for a good 24 hours to not hear obligatory praise and typical Royal comments. It feels like 2005 all over again. Except we’re actually good this year. Well, average. 21-23 in mid-May. I’ll take it. Let’s just hope this atrocity doesn’t spur a massive losing streak and derail a very promising season.
